Monday, August 17, 2009

Friday night is frying night

Friday's stars continue along the same positive note with a focus on writing.

Any new project begun at this time Jayne, is likely to succeed, especially if writing, speaking, or other forms of entertainment or creative arts are involved. Don't bother worrying about the specter of possible failure.

I'm certain that there is a Virgo female wrestler out there with an ambition to throw her competitor across the ring. Her muscles are harder than my attempts of baking rock cakes and her knuckles are too thick to hold a pen. So I'm sure the idea of creative arts does not thrill her. For me though, I continue to feel excited.

Though, I admit, Friday evening does not find me sitting at my computer typing Chapter One.

It finds me out on the great mission of buying The Foundation Garment of The Year. Yes, it deserves capital letters as I award it with such importance.

With just one piece of fabric, my body will be turned into a slender, power of beauty, that only my dreams have allowed. This wonderful piece of magic will not only make my appearance look stunning, but it will be comfortable. It will be possible to get on without breaking my false nails and it will be able to be removed EASILY. Oh, and PS, I would like to be able to breathe, walk and eat while wearing it.
Oh and double PS - if once removed, it would be fabulous if my body had shrunk and been convinced not to bounce back to its original shape. Maybe I could be one of those weird sponge type animals that grow when you put them into water - I would of course be in reverse.

So, anyway, at a Thursday night meeting, I bring out my notebook and throw in onto the table. While rummaging in my bag for a pen, I look up to see everyone reading the bright yellow post it note stuck on the front of my book. "Higher Power- SPANX" it politely states.
I go red and pretend in my head that its' some spiritual thing I'm trying.

A colleague had recommended this 9th wonder of the world as the answer to slimming. With Spanx it would seem that I could still have the wedding cake and eat it. I mention this garment to the VIB (Very Important Bride) and she says how she needs one. A child's sock would be all that she needs, but its interesting to see that we all feel we need some extra higher power.

So, Friday night I'm off to find Spanx. I know, I know, this is a sign that I am of an age, when Friday night looking for Spanx does not mean what it could mean.

To cut a fat story thin - I am wandering through the department store wearing very comfortable shoes that look like slippers. These are my driving shoes, meant to be kept in the car. I forgot! Trying to ignore how geriatric I feel, I then find that I have my anxiety fit and can not get on the rollar-coaster that is the escalator going down. I then have to walk through the store and into the jaws of the mall in the bewildering hope of finding an elevator.

The mall on a Friday evening is full of really angry looking people called teen-agers. That's all I see. Many, many young faces with growls for expressions that match their iron work and tattoos. I realize that most of them are frustrated as they try to hold up their baggy pants - obviously in the mall desperately trying to find belts.

Eventually I'm back in the safe arms of the department store after sharing the elevator with three girls and a baby in a pram who I swear looked at me and said "ello, ello".

So now I am in the intimates looking for Spanx. Of course I cannot find them, but I do find things that I'm sure offer the same amount of torture, I mean support that I am looking for.

The store assistant/ambassador is thrilled. She tells me how she tried "Spinx, as she is not at her best at the present." The word best is whispered, though, obviously, it is not a secret.
"Spinx, that's not right," she says.
"Spanx?" I offer.
"That's it! I didn't like it, couldn't get on with it. Gave it to my sister. Someone said they liked this one" and she holds up the black armour I have chosen. "Cheaper as well. This should hold it all in," she sniffs.
I feel so sad and shuffle, embarrassed in my slippers.

She then tries to get me to sign up for a store card, while admitting she got into financial trouble with hers last year, but is getting it sorted now. She then hands over my bag of goodies, and produces a huge frying pan and walks off to "kitchens". She waves the pan in the air telling me to come back with a full report on my new underwear.

The frying pan looks alot like what I have just purchased - so if it doesn't work, I am inspired to fry pancakes on it.

Favorite Food of the Day: Swedish Fish
Favorite Song of the Day: Yellow by Coldplay

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