Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Pancakes, Manicures and Clooney

Last Monday my stars said this....

Watch out for the ugly green monster today, Jayne. It can rear up before you get the word "jealousy" out of your mouth if you're not on guard for it. Consider why you don't feel as solid as you could. What's causing the insecurity for you?

Last Monday I did not feel jealous. The only green you could see last Monday was my regular impression of The Hulk - in both anger and size, I like to co-ordinate my characteristics.

Right now, at 11:03pm on a Wednesday, I feel jealousy for a writer I suddenly discovered with a great title for her book and a truly fabulously funny blog. I will buy the book, for me and as a gift, it is that perfect. I will too continue to read her blog.

So, I guess everyone should get used to me being green with envy. When, when, when will I just go for it?

I am currently extremely happy. My Mum is here for the holiday season. Today was the perfect Mother and daughter time as we cringed through our manicures and then devoured pancakes with maple syrup. I love my Mum, she is fabulous. She also plays a wicked fast Scrabble Slam game and is not afraid of using swear words to win.

It is because of my Mum that I am writing this while feeling jealousy for another writer. It is a tradition for my Mum, that George Clooney hang around in her kitchen all year. So just now, I was on the last minute Internet search for the gift of the Clooney calendar. It is a surprising fact that finding a Clooney calendar is as difficult as I am certain it would be to date him. (Especially me, a married, very round, worn out looking Londoner who waddles like a duck in the snow.)

Anyway in pursuit of said calendar I stumbled upon this wonderful writer, who has a funny connection to Mr.Clooney, and that very fact throws me into the whine of "but look I wrote that down in 2004 and now I have to throw it away because it has been written by someone else" and now I must go to bed feeling like a failure.

I wonder if 2010 could be the year I drop the do nut to pick up the pen?
I wonder when that writer suddenly changed into "doing it mode" instead of "thinking about it".
I often wonder when does a kitten turn into a cat? It is the same thing.

I encourage us all to start. Oprah is going into retirement so it makes room for new amazing faces to surprise and emerge. This is it - I will start. I have no George Clooney calendar, but I do have dreams and great nails, you can do anything with great nails.

Favorite Food of the Day: Pancakes with maple syrup
Favorite Song of The Day: Baby It's Cold Outside sung by Dean Martin

Monday, December 14, 2009

Saturdays Date

On Saturday my Stars said this:

A missed communication with a romantic partner could find you waiting in a place different from the one agreed upon, Jayne. This wouldn't do your nerves or your relationship any good at all! Therefore, if you're planning to get together with someone special tonight, make sure you get the full details of the place where you're supposed to meet, including the exact address, the cross street, and driving directions if possible. Write it down! And don't forget to note the agreed-upon time!

Jayne: Hey David.
David: What?
Jayne: Meet me at the bottom of the stairs in ten minutes.
David: Why?
Jayne: Because we are going out.
David: OK

I love being married!

Favorite Song of The Day: "You can't always get what you want" by The Rolling Stones
Favorite Food of the Day: Some almond type cake biscuit thing

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Sundays Guilt Over Soup

On Sunday my stars said:

You have a generous spirit, Jayne. And today you are feeling particularly altruistic.

OK, I admit, what does that word mean? Every so often you throw me a new word that worries me. My first thought is it means very modern, like in the future. Then I think it means having a really big ego.

Altruism (pronounced: /ˈæltruːɪzəm/) is unselfish concern for the welfare of others.
Wow, OK then!

Finally, you will have a chance to help your fellow man in a very real and direct way.

Blimey! That's exciting. I hope it does not involve Tiger Woods.

Forget about your big goals and lofty visions. It's hopeless to set out to eradicate world hunger.

Really? World hunger! Mind you, I'm starting small and constantly working on my own hunger. Does that count?

You can, however, go down to the local shelter and help whip up a soup for a few dozen people. The one-on-one contact will do you good.


I honestly admire folks who do this and I feel I should/could/would. Something scares me and in that thought I realize how small a life I live. I heard a quote today: "You are the author of your own life." It made me think. I am so busy with "stuff" - am I really focusing on what counts? How do you do that?

I will let you know if I do "whip up a soup" - which I now wish to use to describe making a change.

Favorite Food of the Day: Tuna Sandwich
Favorite Song of the Day: Theme to The Amazing Race - I love that show!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Wednesday's Wishes

Today my Stars said:

Get the rest that you need, Jayne. Your actions today should be slow and methodical. Don't try to experiment with something that you know nothing about.

So ironic on the very day that I was going to start heated speed yoga at 4am.

This is a joke of course, there is no such thing as heated speed yoga. Well now I have said it, there will be. Is it only me, who looks at that dieting advert that pops up as you write emails, of the woman on the scales with the large white knickers and thinks "Blimey, that's me! How did they get that photo?"

Again last night I cried while watching The Biggest Loser. Those folks are so brave and what a very unreal situation they are in. Can you believe that I was actually watching while eating my father in laws famous ribs dripping in barbecue sauce. (You do understand that he cooked them, I don't mean that I am now a werewolf and was eating his actual ribs.) Anyway, there I was eating and crying, expecting Bob and that scary lady Jillian to reach out of the TV to punch me.

I should/could/would be ashamed of myself. Today I caught a reflection and it looked like I had one of those Victorian bussell skirts on.

Trouble is, December is kind of at the end of the year and not worth starting anything new.

I love December. Absolutely love it. I would cover every room in tinsel if I could. We swing both ways in my house, with a tree and a menorah, so I feel especially fortunate.

A few years ago I had the perfect job, as a manager for a Santa's grotto in Watford shopping center. I was dressed as a toy soldier and delighted in every minute of it. Even the slightly odd times - such as when my Santa decided it would be a good idea to lift his beard and greet the kids with the name of Stan. And the time when the morning Santa went into a dark mood refusing to see anyone because the afternoon Santa had been delayed at his audition for The Bill.

A year later I was a manager for multiple sites. I would travel around the country with spare gifts, headache pills and extra Santa beards. During a Grotto opening in Manchester a pumpkin caught on fire at Cinderellas castle and I had to evacute 800 children, 400 angry adults and three Santas. It was hard work yet somehow I always ended my day with a smile.

I loved the children's faces, the magic, the music, our mechanical carol singers that smiled and nodded as you passed. I loved the babies in the prams. Especially the ones who were weighed down with so many gold necklaces, bracelets and earrings. They wore football shirts declaring their admiration for Gazza. Their skinny, young mums would beckon them to try and sit up. "Come on Shaynnnneee, smile for Santaahh" they would screech through their chewing gum.

I simply love this season and always feel a tingle of excitement when I see a Santa Claus.
Who knows, these days, it could all turn out to be true.

Favorite Food of the Day: Beef LoMein
Favorite Song of the Day: It's the most wonderful time of the year - written by Eddie Pola and George Wyle

Mondays Neat & Proud

Last Monday my Stars Said:

You are apt to take a look at your neat and orderly closet, your well-organized desk and your clean bathroom, and be proud, Jayne.


As the song goes, two out of three ain't bad!

1, My desk. I try to keep this well organized. It is reasonably small on purpose so that clutter does not find a place. I love being organized at work. Handy really, seeing as I am an event planner. I am addicted to ring binders, plastic folders and things with colored tabs.

Ziplock bags were invented just for me. I love them! In fact when I die I request that I be placed into a ziplock bag (triple gallon size with zipper) and thrown into Padanarum Harbor. After drifting for awhile I intend to become the new Loch Ness Monster, but along the coast of Hawaii, with heat and turtles and the like.

2, My bathroom. I love a nice bathroom. I am the type of girl who loves burning candles, bubbles up to my neck with a clay face mask plastered on. Once in Florida, I was in a room that featured a jacuzzi. It was awful. The thing was so loud and had this huge mirror in front of it.
Ruined my relaxation and the advertising image I have of myself. I shudder when I see hotels boasting that they have heart shaped jacuzzis. They are about as attractive as a bag of soggy pork rinds and a beer belly.

3, The wardrobe. At least twice a year I act upon the idea of clearing it out and getting it sorted. I buy padded hangers and those shelf things that promise to organize. I have even bought those plastic storage bags that you pack up and then let the vacuum hose pipe perform a sexual act with and bingo everything can fit into a small space. Not true, by the way, those things are great to watch, but are only that, pure entertainment.

Twice a year everything I own gets pulled out and put into enthusiastic piles. I then pretend that I'm hosting a TV show called "Getting Back in the Closet", in order to tease myself into tidying more. Soon the perfectionist system I have set up including colors, sizes, practicals, goes by the way side. As soon as you start a miscellaneous section, you know you are way past interest.
Finally I end up throwing everything back for another day and so it remains.
Well, that's why wardrobes have doors! They are way better kept in a mess, Narnia would not have been so magical in a tidy wardrobe.

Favorite Food of the Day: Mini Wheaties
Favorite Song of the Day: Brickhouse by The Commodores

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The All Stars Mix

It's been awhile since I last wrote. There have been some great horoscope moments too.

The day when my stars advised:
A good tip for you to remember is to be careful about what you say about other people, Jayne. If you are speaking about someone who is not present, act as if they are.

On that day I was having a verbal phone confrontation with an ice sculptor in Las Vegas. His manner did not impress me, nor did my pun of "chill out!" seem to make him warm to me. When I slammed the phone down, I said plenty about him, then remembered my stars.

It's true, if we were face to face I would not have been so harsh with my words. Funny how distance allows certain advantages or maybe disadvantages. I tried hard not to talk about him or the situation, and so discovered how I actually do talk about other people. Something I wish to change.

There was the day that my stars said: You may feel like a yo-yo - at the mercy of someone else's hand.

Yes I did.

The day my stars said: You may have found yourself having some issues with food lately, Jayne.

That's laziness from the horoscope writers! They look down from Cloud 14 where they work, spot me with do nuts, coffee, chocolate and Red Bull and think, yes she's taking care of herself! The word they got wrong in that sentence, is lately!! Haven't I always had an issue with food? I was born with one. Hungry was the first word I said and no doubt I crawled to the hospital cafeteria on the first night that I was born.

Then here are my favorite stars, read this: Stick close to home and take care of your personal business. Time is precious, so don't waste it.

Can you imagine reading that!?
I spent the day petrified waiting for something awful to happen! What a rotten thing to say to a girl. I could not cross the road comfortably with that ringing in my ears. I wanted to scribble a note down in place of a will, then sadly realized I had nothing to leave anyone.
How could I not waste time while staying close to home? If time is precious, shouldn't I be out doing all the things I'm meant to do? Like mountain climbing, bungee jumping and racing a car down a sand dune. All things to do when you are warned to take care of business! I'm pleased to say I put on my best underwear, eyeliner and shoes and went to the cinema to let the movie stars take the risk.

All remains well.

Favorite Song: Stay with me - Lorraine Ellison
Favorite Food: Nut & Fruit Bar

Sunday I'm a writer.

Today my stars said:

Where have you been? You are a writer Jayne, so write!

My stars did not say that at all! That was me, talking to myself as I tore myself away from my bed this morning, determined to face an entire day of writing.

It went well. I started by tiding the room we call the office. Four hours later, three rubbish bags full and a basket full of CDs organized and the room is gorgeous. Suddenly very spacious without boxes and bags everywhere, full of unfinished craft projects and notebooks half filled. Now the office looks like an office and I can write - right?

Next, I primed a cabinet downstairs that I hope to make into a real eye catcher. Something artistic and original. A piece that people will say, wow, where did you get that? I will say, it's very old and I re-painted it myself. So that took an hour and was quite fun to do.

Then I needed to really clean the kitchen sink. Something was making it smell! So that was attacked with bleach, a scrubber and something that promised to make the sink shine like new while smelling of oranges. It doesn't really but it looks shiney and not so smelly.

Now, can I write? No, Im hungry, writers need energy to create, so I have to eat a sandwich. Now write? No, now I want to relax in a bath, dream awhile and then watch Amazing Race.

I love this writing lark - you get so much done around the house when you say you're going to write!

And this is a story of the difference between those who do and those who clean.

Favorite Food: The Sandwich
Favorite Song of the Day: Funhouse by Pink

Monday, November 2, 2009

Saturday is Halloween

On Saturday my stars said....

Success on all levels is filling your life and making you feel absolutely wonderful, Jayne.

Well about time, thank you! Quick question - when do I see the results of this success?

The downside of this, however, is that you might find yourself a little too conscientious. Are you putting in a lot of extra hours? Be discriminating about this - don't work harder than you need to.

Now why do my stars do that? Why does there have to be a down side, a however and like me, a big but. I would prefer that we just end on the success filling my life part.

I took the advice and did not work harder than I needed to on Saturday.

We have a skeleton hanging from our bedroom window. He knocks upon the front door, encouraged by the wind. A black rat, which squeaks when squeezed is tied to the door knob and a fat orange pumpkin watches everything from the top step.

Saturday is Halloween and my husband and I sit at the door guarding a mountain of candy and wait for children to arrive.

I have always enjoyed this tradition, not sure why, as I get scared easily and dramatically. Universal Studios reduced me to screams and tears when a zombie came at me with a chainsaw.
Common sense had left me and for that moment I believed it. The day before I had lined up for an hour to hug a big mouse, a duck and a dog, so give me a break. Four day special pass in Orlando has a special effect on the mind you know!

I prefer to ignore the horror aspect of Halloween and focus on the cute, simple costumes and the opportunity to receive lots of chocolate without being questioned.

It is not as celebrated in the UK, though I do remember a pathetic attempt at bobbing for apples dressed as a witch at Louisa Elliott's party once.

Another year, I had created a ghost from a broom stick and an old nightdress of my Mums. Dad and I walked the streets with it. I was too scared to knock on peoples doors. I just enjoyed walking along thinking we looked spooky as he held the ghostly piece of art high and swayed around making it fly and dance. Dad also had a leg of lamb under his shirt sleeve, like his hand had been chewed off. Wow, were we classy!

My husband and I ohh and ahh over a princess, a two year old cheer leader, possibly a spider and a clown. The one who has come dressed as the parent holds onto a giant black dog. I remark, pointing at the dog; "wow what a great costume! Does it get hot in there?" The owner politely explains that its a real dog, obviously not getting my joke and thinking how sweet it is that the simple girl living at number 106 can enjoy something from her life! Better not give her too much candy!

A car pulls up and I smile as I see that these days, children get driven around the streets. Good for safety and for covering more ground. More candy collected per mile - genius!

Out climbs a lady bird, a bumble bee and Elvis Presley.
Their neon orange buckets are larger than their heads and they wave them at us optimistically.
"Trick or Treat" says a four year old Elvis.
Our candles flicker in his sunglasses, my husband looks happy and all feels good on the steps to our home.
I love Haloween.

Favorite Song of The Day: Thriller by Michael Jackson
Favorite Food of the Day: Whoopers - sneaked from the pile

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday - Communication....NOW!

Tuesdays stars say............

An unexpected and perhaps unwelcome phone call or e-mail might find you having to put in some extra time working that you hadn't planned, Jayne. This could be frustrating, and you may feel that someone is taking an unfair advantage of you.

Communication has certainly changed from when we played with two tin cans connected by string and imagined they were a telephone.

On a regular work morning my telephone shrills for attention, both office line and cell. The IM pops like an electronic raindrop and my email begins to deliver 60 messages.
One grabs my attention. Read me now, I am important it screams with its red exclamation mark.
The venue needs to confirm by 9am today if you want five tables with six chairs at each or just six chairs in total. Panic, panic. Major alarm. I am tempted to wait until 9.02am to see what happens!

I long for a remote that will stop everything. Just stop.

Everyone, please breathe. Tragedy, difficulty, dilemma is everywhere, and you know what? That will never change. I can’t fight it. I won’t embrace it, I will however, stop being scared of it. They say doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome is foolish. Yes, yes, yes.

We have made our life into a supermarket where there are are so many varieties for everything. That we can no longer request what we need in simple terms or thoughts.
It has all become so urgent and important within its own speed and the number of choices available.

You want a good day? What type? Healthy without nuts? Funny with a lot of nuts? A saturated fat day? A calcium packed, vital vitamin good day? Instant, decaffeinated, non preservative, recommended by a dermatologist type of day? Go straight to your doctor if you experience happiness for longer than four hours.

Could we get a little casual and try not to strain for results? The bus goes into the city. You need to get into the city, you get on the bus. Done!

Can we stop thinking about ourselves? Consider everyone you communicate with today before you concern yourself with your own thoughts. It may make a difference, that is if anyone is paying attention.

Favorite Song of The Day: Hello by Lionel Richie
Favorite Food of The Day: Roasted Salmon

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mondays - Clothing and Laptops

Today my stars say.....
Everyone has done it... everyone at one time in their life has bought something impulsively without really thinking about it enough first. But as far as you are concerned, Jayne, it happens a little more often than it should. Have you looked at your closet full of clothes you never wear?

Are you kidding me! Have you, dear stars, looked into my closet lately? I have never been the type to care for clothing. I do not own enough of it to have a style. I have to wear everything that is in there, because there's not much. Yes, I do hold onto the pair of skinny jeans that I hope one day will fit again. Everyone does that.

Secret to share: These stars however did prevent me from wandering into town to buy something new to wear!

I am finally on a writers retreat. It's wonderfully frightening. Four days to write with classes and workshops to advise and provide guidance. Time to dive into my imagination. To create, to play and indulge.

Instantly I realize how much I procrastinate about my writing. I use all the classic reasons why not to write. Why I need to drink another cup of coffee, why sitting in the right chair is important, why I want a pencil today and not a pen to write with. Truth is, I am scared that I will discover my pages are worth more left in the bottom drawer than they are out in the open.

I am pleased to say that I do not believe in signs. If I did, I would have packed my suitcase and left last night, for since my arrival, this laptop has been having hissy fits and does not want to play. Currently it is taking itself through a start up repair process. Very similar to myself. I hope we both feel better by the end of the four days.

I watch a blue bar stream across the screen. Attempting repair, it glows. I should have the same sign on my forehead.

This retreat is also a time to refuel for me. I have a sadness just tipping into the edge of me. I don't want to listen to it right now. It's just fear. Thoughts about the illness that has arrived in my life. I wish to skip that part and go into the "happily dealing with" stage. I believe that love will assist us on our new journey. Trouble is, we both know the end destination is pretty crappy and we were forced onto this train ride. We have no choice but to buckle up and make the most of the view.
No, I can't think about that sadness today. We deserve better.

The laptop just changed its status and says - To Start Immediately, click Finish. Interesting advice.

Favorite Food of the Day: Crispy bacon for breakfast
Favorite Song of The Day: Smile by Uncle Kracker

Friday, October 23, 2009

Thursdays Trying Day

Today my stars said...............
The day will most certainly be stressful and you will most likely be irritated. Try to use this day to your advantage and try to get your life back in order!

Oh come on! Are you serious? Certainly stressful does not equal most likely irritated!
Most likely should be replaced by - a guaranteed home runner of frustratingly, nearly aggressive, could be considered irrational, irritation.

I love how my stars have no faith that I can survive the day, as it just says try to get your life back in order! It doesn't shout Go Do It Jayne - YOU CAN! It just meekly says try!

I hate getting irritated. Even the word kind of whines and gets at you, like a rash that the skin version promises.

When I feel irritation building up in me, I work hard to push it away. I do all the things, breathe, count to ten, close your eyes, eat a do nut. Nothing works if that irritation really wants to invade. It has powers all of its own.

The bad type is the irritation that arrives suddenly. Bam! I'm here. The sudden irritation carries a hate list and can find fault in everything. Smells, noises, voices, clothing you are wearing, your hair and it's main object of desire - other people. Wow, does it not like other people and all things concerned with being in a community.

For awhile I worried that I was getting a touch of road rage. I used to politely poke my tongue out and wave like the Queen if another driver chose to disagree with my style of driving.
Then, on one angry day, I actually gave the finger to someone. I shocked myself and would have gone into confession if a box popped up on my back seat with the Pope inside.

I am British and we do not really do the finger - so on my first attempt I was not convinced that I was showing the correct finger weapon. In fact I was probably showing off that I was married. So anytime I give the finger, there is a mad shuffle as I attempt to display the correct one.
Also, I can not help but think of finger puppets. Maybe I should knit some, specifically for this release of anger.

Also to note, I am short, in height as well as temper it would seem. Being short, I am one of these drivers, who if you are behind me, you cannot see me. The bus of kids declare, look that car is driving itself! I imagine my car and I look like Herbie. (That's showing my age.)
Anyway, the fact that I'm hidden allows me a greater sense of confidence in my road rage. It is never witnessed anyway, so I could do whatever I want!

My main occupation in the car is to sing. I sound like Aretha Franklin/Annie Lennox/Celine Dion/Every Broadway Star/Madonna and Debbie Harry. Well, in my car I do!

I am, no doubt, to singers, what an eighty miles per hour car is to a slow squirrel.

Favorite Song of The Day: Rebel Rebel - David Bowie
Favorite Food of the Day: Asian Sesame Chicken Salad - no, do not fear. I'm sure this was just an experiment and not a sign!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wednesday's Truth

Today my stars said....

Your flexible nature is apt to get you in trouble today, Jayne.
Personalities may clash when no one is willing to take the lead. Be aggressive without being manipulative. Whatever you do, keep it light. Don't try to pin anyone down today. Your nature is open and expansive. Give other people the freedom that they want. Unexpected events may change the course of the day dramatically so don't get upset if things don't go exactly as planned.

All I can say is....................................Absolutely true!
The End

Favorite Song of the Day: Under Pressure by David Bowie
Favorite Food of the Day: Toasted Cheese Sandwich

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Tuesdays Praise for Charles

Tuesday's stars said this.....

Remind your loved ones how much they mean to you today, Jayne. Words are especially meaningful and powerful today so don't use them lightly.

I am so lucky to have many I love. If I were to receive an Oscar, I would be dragged off the stage still thanking people I love.

Top of that list is my Mum and Dad.

I miss my Dad terribly. He passed away on December 16th 1993 at ten minutes past nine in the evening. He was sixty. A young sixty.

I miss all of the things that we shared and all of the things that we did not get to share.
His face smiles at me right now from a photograph sitting to the left of me. It was his movie star image days. Incredibly handsome with a smile that is kind of cheeky with pale blue eyes that glow trust.

When asked, if you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive - my answer is my Dad. I know so much about him and yet so little. He was at times a power house. He made things happen. My brother & I called him The Whistler, because he knew everything. Doesn't really make sense, yet it does to us. We also called him Jim, after Jimmney Cricket.

He had an amazing love for theater, movies and laughter. We would always go backstage after a musical or a play to collect autographs. He knew, with a casual wink, how to get passed the stage door keeper and into the dressing rooms. People thought he was "someone", he had that air of confidence.

I had dreams of buying my Dad an old fashioned type of truck that he had always admired. His name beautifully painted on the side. I had hopes of being the one to take them both on fun holidays and treating them, as they did for me. I am so sad that I achieved none of those things. My Dad loved the holidays!

I always think of him when I get on a plane. He always travelled wearing a shirt and tie.
I remember him when I'm on a beach in the sun - when he bought a self tanning lotion by mistake instead of sun protection resulting in an over darkened basically baked version of Dad.
I remember laughing so hard at his impression of Michael Jackson doing the moon walk. I remember he loved blue shirts and his wonderful long mac that made him look like a television detective. The special deals and treats he would bring home from the market and the time he thought we were all being kidnapped in a taxi cab in Rome!

Life did not play fair with my Mum and Dad. They worked hard, loved hard and fought politely to get something out of life. They achieved alot and had alot more taken from them. My amazing loving Mum, misses him fiercly every day. Alone is a word that screams.

I am lucky to be an adult who knows how much I love my parents and had time to tell them so. Yet I am still a little girl who cries through the memories, and says "Wish You Were Here Dad!"

Favorite Song of The Day: Say Hey (I Love You) by Michael Franti & Spearhead
Favorite Food of The Day: Popcorn

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Thursday from Locker 803

Today's posting is slightly different as I was on a mini vacation.
So, it's kind of like the television show that does a holiday special and ventures out from it's regular appearance.

PLUS - my stars for this day were absolutely spot on. I followed their advice without reading them, as I did not see them until a day later. What's more, the thing I did, that I can not mention, turned out to be the right thing, even though it were a different form of action for me. A true learning moment - wish I could share with you - but this is not the psycho office!

During my mini vacation, I was extremely fortunate to find myself as a gift card receiver for a day at a spa. 8am to 5pm including three special treatments and all the exercise classes I could fit in. If you know me, you are already laughing!

I did push myself and experienced two classes. Amazing for a body that does not remain standing for more than ten minutes at a time . I stretched and stretched, in the hope that the fat did not bounce back. It felt great, but it did bounce back.

I loved a dance class called Nia, led by Diana whose warmth filled the room, as my frame filled the mirror. (There were far too many mirrors for my liking). The CD went wrong at one point, and as she battled with its karma, I remarked to someone how much I was enjoying the class. I actually got told of for talking! Slightly embarrassing, but it was explained how internal this class was and how chatter would disrupt our experience. Sorry, I did not know!

It made me notice however, that my internal chatter is permanently having a tormenting tea party. My mind does not shut up, and it's full of rubbish for the most part. Does everyone have this?

I found myself with a constant monologue on what I was doing and what I was doing next. Did I have the time right? What should I wear for the massage? What shouldn't I wear? Am I the largest person here? Pretend I'm a famous novelist and people like me. Do I go into the whirlpool with my bathing costume on? Am I using too many towels? What if the sauna door gets stuck and nobody knows I'm here. Can the lady doing my massage read my mind? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

No wonder I'm not very good with small talk at parties, as I'm bloody exhausted entertaining myself.

This is funny too. I was walking from one class to the waiting area when someone with the look of "I know what your dreams mean" offered me a deck of cards and asked if I would choose my animal card for the week. Pick a card, any card!

I pick a frog which she explains means to de-clutter the mind. Instant tears from me, as I say I was just thinking that! She then offers to read my astrology chart and do I know anything about horoscopes? Immediate guilt sits on my left shoulder and laughs. I shake my head no, while the guilt fox sneers "have you read her blog?"

Then my inner chatter goes on and on about who do I think I am about the relevance of this blog! Mind you, she was also going on about science versus spiritual power and how we as humans can make it rain. Interesting.

I can see why people do these spa excursions. Its really beneficial to switch off and just take care. If you can ignore the expense and get used to people who ask what protein would you like for lunch, and accept terms such as tuning your vibrations with therapeutic adaptations, you can really come away with something new. I now know for example, that vinyassa yoga is not number 31 on a menu.

I cried quite a few times during the day. Just to focus on myself was strange and I recognized how much I need that and how much I am frightened of that.

I saw two women there who made me think. One looked stunning. She made her plastic surgery look good. Obviously a great advertisement for an "after my time at the spa" picture. I then hear her say that she has just arrived and this time she's only here until the 5th. That meant five full days of this living. I was overwhelmed with my one day and can not imagine thinking that five days could be titled as only five days.

The other woman was older, natural and physically showing that she was a breast cancer survivor. I was ashamed, am ashamed, how I allow my thoughts to put myself down and how much I take for granted this body. It was a very big learning lesson for me.

I loved my day and appreciated the gift far more than I can explain. There is a workshop titled Grounded Gratitude, I know I do not have to take it.

Favorite Food of the Day: Ribs in a restaurant called Rouge
Favorite Song of the Day: You're my everything by Barry White

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tuesday's Thoughts

Today my stars were very long and started with this....

You may be experiencing an incredible fear about not knowing which way to turn, Jayne.

I have not lost my internal personal GPS unit, I know it is there hidden. Somewhere in the days business of being busy, I hear it beeping saying wrong turn, go back and start again.
I can feel when I'm off course, headed for a dead end or rolling toward a cliff. I hear the directions and yet sometimes I still choose to go that route that does not give me a pleasant view or photo opportunities with a coffee and a sandwich.

I find it a challenge to remain who you are when dealing with other peoples urgency's. I wonder if that is the profession I am in, or the type of person I am?

I saw the end of The Biggest Loser tonight and it made me cry. You know you are tired when you cry while watching The Biggest Loser. They were talking about someones sacrifice for another. I don't know, it just stirred up alot inside. I feel like I am cheating myself on not being authentic to who I am. My strength appears, yet I feel it showed up late and missed the best part. Does that make sense?

It's not that I am dishonest. I can not play poker because my face says everything. (Plus I can't add up without using my fingers, dead give away right there!)

It has to do with being true to yourself.

My stars ended with this:
Try not to let your thoughts get tangled up in either one of these scenarios.

Tangled up is so true. I believe I need to stop allowing my thoughts to get tangled into other peoples worlds. I need to put the volume up on my GPS, link it to a speaker, to twenty speakers and truly pay attention when it barks: STOP, PAUSE, WAIT! Now, take the next right..................

Favorite Food of The Day: Chicken with rice and green beans, made by my mother in law
Favorite Song of The Day: Fame by David Bowie & John Lennon

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Friday's Nuts

Friday's stars said this:

If you have ties to any of the therapeutic professions, Jayne, you may make a strange discovery related to the health field today.

I do not have a therapeutic profession. In fact, if my job had a theme song, it would be the entire soundtrack to the great movie Pulp Fiction. The opening song, including words said and screamed, sum up my Friday.

That being said, I am in the exceptionally lucky group of people, who can say that I love what I do. It just has a certain craziness linked to it. Kind of like the old relative that you have to go visit sometimes and try so hard to ignore their scattered conversation and the drooling.

I actually did have two discoveries on Friday, both very much related to health.
One that is obvious, is, that I wish I could remain patient when three urgent problems are in full speed at the same time. I know that the hunching of my shoulders and the clenching my jaws is not solving the problem. My voice takes on Julie Andrews while my body becomes the love child of The Hulk and the Bride of Frankenstein. As my colleague advised "It's not exercise you need, it's an exorcism."

My neck and shoulders are so tight, my eyelids click when I blink. Even my hair now has a self induced perm. I love having a head ache because it means my migraine has gone away. I think it's time to admit, that I feel the stress! Today on my to do list, number eight says relax!

Oh and the other discovery I made is going to be a revolutionary diet. It really works. Are you ready? In the morning eat handfuls (at least six) of mixed luxury nuts that you find in a tin in your car while driving. Follow this by drinking one large cup of coffee with an un-toasted strawberry pop tart you find in your desk drawer. Wait for five minutes and drink one medium cup of coffee with a kit kat. You will feel so sick that you will not want to eat. Well until lunchtime, but it's a start!

Favorite Food of the Day; Strawberry Laffy Taffy
Favorite Song of The Day: Misirlou - Dick Del and his Del Tones

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Monday's Mid Life Crisis

Monday's stars said this:

After the emotional havoc you went through over the last few weeks, the period beginning today will be quite soothing. You can take advantage of these smoother, calmer waters to rediscover inner emotional harmony and improve the balance of your energy flows.

Isn't that nice to hear. Though you would imagine that I am the President of a Multi National Island in crisis with a family of fourteen children to feed. Honestly my life is not that dramatic.
We all have our stories and our issues and we do not wear t shirts declaring them to the world. You never know what the person is going through who just handed you your dry cleaning or phoned and asked if you would take a few moments to do a survey.

It is making me slighter nervous that since my birthday I am receiving emails that say "Remove Excess Hair ", "Is it time for the lift?"and "Brown Bag Makeover". Pretty scary stuff. What is a brown bag make over? I suppose I should have read the email.

I am aware of getting older when a hang over describes my stomach and a pair of jeans.
When the walk of shame means going into a Weight Watchers meeting and when my new hobby is grinding my teeth. Am I one step away from telling the neighbor's kids not to skate board past my front door?

No, I don't actually believe so. I just enjoy the cliched image of it all. I wish, however, I were heading into the cliche of the attractive older woman who has style and grace. Why can't I be Mrs.Robinson but without all the cigarettes and the naughty stuff?

I am aware that I am blossoming (perfect word) into the theatrical auntie type. The one who invites people over for afternoon tea and serves wild raspberry sponge cake that is lopsided and too sweet. The woman who wears alot of purple with large jeweled necklaces and carries around photos of her cat.

I mean look, I already read my horoscope, my fat ankles demand flat shoes and I enjoy a Saturday night of cross stitch embroidery!

When I start wearing hats, I will know I have crossed into the Mad Auntie Jayne zone.

It's too soon for that. I went through a poor patch in my thirties that are known as The White Cardigan Years. They were not to be proud of. Brenda knows what I'm talking about. Now I see myself headed to The Purple Cardigan Years! I feel a rebellion coming on - quick get me to a tattooist, let me cut my hair and buy a pair of jeans with diamond studs all over them. Do leather leggings come in a size twenty?

Favorite Food of the Day: Rolos
Favorite Song of the Day: Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Fridays R and R

Friday was my birthday! My stars knew this (obviously) and were determined to celebrate and inspire joy for the day and indeed the following year. Here is what my stars said:

Today you might be feeling a little under the weather, due to physical and emotional stress over the past few days.

Well, that's not good! Even though it's kind of true, that's not the point! Surely in the big department of horoscopes, it is instructed to send happiness on your birthday. This would be easy to organize, with an excel spreadsheet and a Microsoft database. Come on, we deserve some help down here! We expect our horoscopes to lie at least once a year.

It should say - you look fabulous Jayne and will do so for your entire 43rd year. It will be easy to get everything you want and even more. Hold on for the best year ever. Imagine reading a horoscope like that!

Anyway. Despite my under the weather appearance. I had a birthday to smile about.

I received in my office, just want I needed in R&R. My version - Rolos and Red Bull. I love that everyone had bought Rolos and Red Bull for me. These are known to be the secret trick to my success at work. They are sweet, effective, buzzy and chewy. They will make you calm, shake your spirits up and give you a unique, indulgent lift. Please try it next time you want to smile and can't make the effort. My formula of R&R will work. Guaranteed! BUT wait, there's more.....

I also received Play Doh Fun Factory. Now, you can't get better than that! As a kid, I loved my Play Doh hair salon. Remember making a perm? Or braiding lots of long strands of green Play Doh? And the bowls of multi colored spaghetti you could make! In the day, I served many a Play Doh meal to my poor family as I run a restaurant in the living room called Chez Jaynes.

Play Doh Fun Factory has everything you need to bring creativity into your office. It has color, it has great shape making opportunities and the smell! Oh that wonderful smell.
As an adult it is even better because nobody tells you off for mixing the colors or for leaving some of it out, to find it hardening and resulting in a non-pleasant lump on the table.

A toy is the best gift to receive. It reminds you of play - of simpler decisions. It brings a contentment that perfume or clothing doesn't. Even a perfect pair of shoes can give you a bunion - Play Doh doesn't. Even a massage with hot stones can end up being disappointing. Play Doh does not disappoint. (By the way am I the only one who wants to cry when they hear that whimsical music playing in a spa? It sounds so sad, and with all the dark lighting and candles burning, I always feel like I'm going to meet my end on that table, with my head in that hole while Ursula "soothes and eases". )

Play Doh does not provide such confusion. It's simple, squishy and optimistic. (Bit like me!) Nor does it incorrectly promise to solve your life, like a hypnosis CD or a set of books titled "Change Your Life and Watch a Melon Ripen" or some such title. Play Doh delivers fun, just as the title says it will.

The Play Doh Fun Factory box is surprisingly very grown up. It says you can roll, mold and extrude. WOW! Just what you expect to do at your desk on a Friday morning. I openly admit, that after I had rolled and molded, I watched the extreme ease of it's extrusion and became very jealous of my Play Doh Fun Factory. You truly have to watch one in action to appreciate what I mean.

Roll, mold, extrude - instructions for a happy day!

Favorite Food of the Day: Birthday Cake
Favorite Song of the Day: Everybody Dance Now by Bob Sinclair

Monday, September 14, 2009

Mondays Zumba

Monday's stars say this:

You may be called on to be a hostess in your own home, Jayne. Perhaps one of your bridge partners has canceled on you and all of a sudden card night must be moved to your house.

Excuse me!!!! One of my bridge partners??? A sudden card night at my house!!!!
OK, seriously, dear horoscope, are your stars not aligning? Is your planet in the fourth house of rising loony tunes, or something of that nature!

You really have me wrong if you think I have bridge partners. I don't even know what that is. Last time I played cards - it was snap, when I was about five. Besides, don't you remember how hard I work? Who has time for bridge?

My stars continue to say:

At first this feels like a panic situation because you don't think your house is clean enough.

Again, funny!

Don't worry; it is probably impeccable.

Well, thank you stars, now you speak the truth!

You are the only one who will notice the one-inch patch of dirt in the corner of your entryway, so don't sweat it.

What do you mean with the talk of a one inch patch of dirt in my entryway? That's meant to be there. It came with the house. Maybe instead of playing bridge, I should clean it up!!!!

I know somewhere in the world there is a Virgo who loves bridge, who is on the phone right now
saying: "Martha, please don't do this to me. We can't play round here tonight I haven't had the swiffer mopper out for hours!"

For me, I want something livelier than bridge. I'm back again thinking about Zumba classes.

I listen to salsa music and imagine myself dancing away with this amazing dress that swings around. I'm on Dancing With The Stars, because of course I'm a famous writer, and I'm in the finale. It appears when I'm famous that I'm slimmer, younger and taller.

Then I get out of my car, do nut crumbs falling, and feel my belly dance of a walk to my office.
By the time I'm at my desk, just one minute walk, I'm happy to sit down again. Now that's just not right!

I google and find Zumba classes run by names like Bethy, Shelly and Tiffany. It seems that qualifications include having a bright, bouncy name as well as shiny hair, lots of tight black lycra and lots of dazzling teeth.

One class is down the road from my office, it doesn't start till 8pm. Bonus could be all the extra work I could get done while waiting for class and by the time I got home, it would be bedtime. No time to eat - great. No time to watch TV - that's no good!

Next class starts half way between my office and home. Would mean I had to leave a little earlier one day a week - instant pressure rings Latino bells in my ears.

There's a class in my hometown that starts at 6am. STARTS at 6am! Just me moving at 5am to get up is a Zumba class in itself.

Then I find the perfect match.

Saturday mornings at ten. In the same town that I live. Ten minutes walk for most - thirty minutes walk for me. Ten am means I could still lay in for a bit. It's the cheapest class I found too. It's perfect, I should do it. I could start this week end. Looks too good to be true. I don't trust it, better do more research.

Do you think I'm avoiding? How do you play bridge anyway?

Favorite Food of the Day: Cheerios
Favorite Song of the Day: I Know You Want Me by Pitbull

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Saturdays - Dishes and Memories

Saturdays stars say this:

You may become rather nostalgic, Jayne, as you look through old photo albums, rearrange dishes and furniture, and remember what life was like "way back when."

Now, wait a minute! "Way back when?" How old do my stars think I am? Surely they know. It's my horoscope!

Makes me sound like I'm living on Waltons mountain. Me, rearrange dishes and furniture? That didn't even happen when we moved!

Anyway, why would you rearrange dishes and think of old times? I'm pretty certain most of us rearrange dishes while planning everything else on our to do list or while considering if we could use paper plates more often.

I rearrange furniture when looking for money, that's true. I very, very, very rarely push a sofa to the other side of the room and think about when I got cast in the school play, or when I pulled all the feathers out of my brothers Indian headdress. Note to reader, the Indian headdress was a costume - my brother was not a real Red Indian. Though he cried like it was a real when he saw all those feathers!

Stars continue to say:

Old feelings that you thought were gone are welling up to the surface, and may bring tears to your eyes.

I'm really sorry I pulled all those feathers out! I don't remember why I did it. Can I buy you a new one? Is it too late? I'm not crying, it's allergies!

I don't want old feelings!!!!!!!!

Honestly face these feelings now instead of stuffing them back down inside you for another ten or twenty years.

NO! AND again I question - how old do my stars think I am! If I have been already stuffing these feelings down for ten or twenty years, that makes me a mess pretty much from day one. Maybe they have a point! Let me move rearrange some dishes and think about this.


Favorite Food of the Day: Corn on the Cob
Favorite Song of the Day: Title theme music from Kramer Vs Kramer - the duel guitar piece. I know it's classical but I don't know what its called and a recent virus on my computer leaves me reluctant to do any research. Anyway, its really good.

Thursday's Thoughts Have Far To Go

On Thursday my stars said:

Expect a lot of activity to take place in your home today, Jayne. You could well become caught up in the energy generated, which could put you in touch with a new awareness of your feelings about yourself.

There is alot of activity in the house with paint pots, rollers, brushes and such instruments that turn just a room into a "ooohhh wow that's a beautiful room! Quick call Homes and Gardens!"

The dear cat is confused, frightened and hopeful that his litter box will get a make over. He dashes around interested and scared continually. As indeed, does my mind, as I ponder between new curtains or blinds, new curtains or blinds?

In my stars it mentions an awareness of my feelings about myself. Emmmmm. Not sure I want, yet another new awareness of feelings. Sometimes, I would prefer that I knew little about my true self. Sometimes, I hope that my true, true self is far better than I imagine. That all the National Enquirer stories I have been led to believe about her, are mindless, fabricated gossip. Sometimes, I think, I think too much. Most of the time I feel too much.

When I was a little girl hovering over the edge of becoming a young girl in the double digits, I remember choosing to put all my dolls and soft toys away. I wanted space for books and music. So, in the cupboard they went, placed carefully so as not to squash one another.

That night I cried because I thought they were crying. So sad that now they were placed in the cupboard, behind closed doors. They hadn't done anything wrong, why were they being punished? Morning had not arrived, before I had taken them all out again, whispering them a sorry and providing an extra hug.

The subject matter may have changed, the feelings have not. I have wonderment about many things. Sometimes this is a glorious attribute and at others it is time consuming and draining.

Unlike toys, I cannot place my emotions behind closed doors. They have the power to push them open again by themselves.

My stars ended with:
Expect vivid dreams of travel, strange places, or flying.

Favorite food of the day: One oreo cookie
Favorite song of the day: Wild is the Wind - David Bowie

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Self Control on a Saturday

Saturdays stars said this:

You will have to rely on your analytical skills and steely self-control to navigate the stormy seas you'll find yourself in today, Jayne.

I am very pleased that I declined a boat trip today! (By the way, I decline boat trips every day as I get sea sick in an angry jacuzzi. So please do not invite me on an all paid fourteen day Caribbean cruise.)

Stars continued:

And there is no way to escape from the stress. The worst pitfall facing you, especially in your career or studies, would be to begin doubting in your own abilities.

This was very true as I ended Saturday doubting my ability to be a grown up.

Let me set the scene.

One - I love food.
Two - My husbands favorite food is salad. No kidding. He adores salad. Therefore he does not eat much.
The scene - My husbands car.
The day: Saturday - beginning of a long week end off.
Action: Jayne spots two mega bags of potato chips in the back seat.

These are the gourmet type. Special flavors. The type you buy when friends come over that you want to impress. The type that are a guilty pleasure because they cost about one dollar per chip when you count how many are really in that big bag.

So anyway - there they are with my name written all over them.

I dream, salivate, fantasize over the thought of enjoying these chips. I see us munching off into the sunset together. Jayne and Honey Dijon with matching tattoos.

I make hints that my husband and I enjoy eating them together.
It's surely the thing to make a long week end fantastic?
He is not interested, nor enthusiastic about my binging ideas.
I make plans to secretly steal them, eat them and replace them.
I plainly ask to eat them.
I plainly beg to eat them.

For the entire weekend they remained in my husbands car, and in my head. In fact they are still there now, in the car and in my head.

I practically sulked, NO, let me delete practically, I sulked because we did not eat them.

How old am I?

I could not possibly think of having bags of food untouched in my car. I consider eating pieces of cookies that I find on the floor of my car. Even mints found at the bottom of my handbag look appetizing when stuck in a traffic jam.

My poor wonderful SLIM husband and what he has to put up with!!!!

Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear.

Favorite Food of the Day: Three Musketeers
Favorite Song of the Day: Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Wednesday Greens

On Wednesday, my stars said this:

Your energies might be turned toward beautifying your home, Jayne. Perhaps you've decided to repaint in a new color scheme, or go in a completely new direction in your decorating tastes.

This is true. I am in the middle, downstairs front room to be exact, of decorating.

I know that shades of green seem to be the trend. You can have "Inverness" on your back wall, with "Artichoke" or "Gentle Moss" on the trim. There's "Courtyard Green", "Evergreen", even "Vogue Green".

To me though, there is only prison green and hospital green. No matter what shade, I just see doom and gloom green. I am not a fan of green. Previous owner was, hence, we are painting everywhere.

We are going to boldly try "Soft Pumpkin". So far, it is bordering on "Get Happy NOW" color, let alone anything soft, we shall see though. I remain optimistic, which no doubt is also a paint color.

I love all the terms that are associated with this painting your home lark. Who ever thought to unify your color flow or the need to reflect on your light sources by adding a faux finish.

You hear couples wandering around in Home Depot discussing how to create a focal point with their color palette or how they can enhance their mood with incandescent light. Once upon a decorating day, you could enhance your mood just by sniffing a paint pot. That's all changed now. They even have paint that will eliminate the smell of cigarette smoke. Really? Honestly?

Remember when the feng shui stuff became popular? That's always fun to think about where to place your arm chair to welcome in money. Inside a bank might be a good idea.

I do like to have a candle at my desk while I work. I believe it gives me a sense of calm (anyone who has worked with me is now rolling their eyes). I like to somehow have creativity close by, and to me a candle inspires that. I think the pint of coffee and pile of Ho Hos also contributes!

Favorite Food of the Day: A large Angus hamburger
Favorite Song of The Day: Downtown by Petula Clark

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Wedding - August 29 09

We interrupt the usual flow of this blog, to pay a special mention with attention to the V.I.W.
Very important wedding, as previously discussed.

In a few words it was simply beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous, honest, loving, inspiring, romantic, funny, natural, caring, thoughtful, reflective of the two families, respectful, fun, extremely good looking. All this plus cake.

To hear the V.I.B say, she would not change a thing - said it all.

It was an honor to be a part of it.

For those of you following the blog. Yes, indeed The Foundation Garment of The Year was actually in action. It had been located in a local shop and found with the assistance of a woman called Shirley, who was honest to admit that she did not think she could help me. (Not what you want to hear when talking about pushing everything up and sucking it all in.) She did however astonish herself and found the right contraption in the "Mean to Lean" section and it worked like a trap, I mean a treat.

I had not seen the ladies (too mid in age to say girls) so high for years. In fact my knees were cold and my walk quickly became a strut with a swagger to help keep balance and to match the new shadows I threw out. My voice suddenly took on a Mae West persona as everything that had gone South now pointed North.

It really is true that fitted makes a difference. I do not recommend it if you hope for easy escape routes though. I knew I would need a tool kit to get out of mine, but that's not the purpose of The Foundation Garment of The Year. Oh for the days when tiny pieces of lace held everything together, but that's another story!

During dressing on the V.I.W day, I had managed to tap into my contortionist skills and got The Foundation Garment of The Year on all by myself followed by the dress only to find that the hidden zipper would not go up.

It was not too tight, the zipper was just doing what it was meant to do, in the hiding part.

At one point my husband, mother in law and mother in laws neighbor were all tugging away to make it work. I was waiting to hear a dreaded rip in the fabric. A quiet, sincere panic was beginning to hit me as I thought I might end up going to the V.I.W wearing the motel shower curtain. At one stage I even had the dress in the style of Madonna when she made the corsets look fashionable again. Is that how she discovered that look, with a hidden zipper incident?
All I know is that I'm a bigger material girl than Madonna and Vogue is not my style!

It eventually and suddenly worked and everyone sighed for relief. Well, I didn't, because I could not really breathe from there on. Anyway, who needs oxygen when family gets married?

I did have a thought that I looked as though I had read the invitation as fancy dress and I had come along as a red couch. Just my feelings though - and to be honest, all eyes were rightly fixed on the V.I.B. Happiness and love were her middle name, and for me it was honestly a dream come true to see her radiate so much joy.

Now, they are off on their honeymoon, The Foundation Garment of The Year has been wrapped up and put away in a secret location and I am excited to make a great pair of curtains from my dress - kind of like a reverse Gone with The Wind.

Favorite Food of the Day: Wedding Cake
Favorite Song of The Day: At last by Etta James

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Thursday's psychology

Today my stars say this:

Something you read today could have a dramatic impact on your life, Jayne. Pay particular attention to articles on dream psychology.

I finished the book I was reading today. It was wonderful. Alice Hoffman - The Story Sisters. Wow that lady can write. Did I ever say I wanted to be a writer? That's like going into a Chinese restaurant and asking for a cheeseburger.

I also read the menu at the drive through. A new donut with toffee chippings on it looks good!

Maybe I'm not reading the right things to discover something on dream psychology.

I had a pedicure about an hour ago. I am one of the very few who does not enjoy the procedure, even though the end result is great.

A pedicure looks too medical to me. Too many instruments with sharp edges close to the skin makes me look for an accident. And don't get me started with the dentist! Whoever thought of such torture. At least with a pedicure you end up with your toes sparkling red (or what color you want, pick a color!)

At the dentist you end with blood, spit that travels and a voice that sounds like you have stuffed ten waffles into your mouth.

My fear of the dentist has been present since I was a child. Once a dentist showed me what he was going to do to my brothers teeth. It was not a threat, his aim was to make me see how OK it really is - the result was me screaming, throwing up and fainting on the floor.

I also remember, too well, that scene from the movie The Marathon Man, with Dustin Hoffman and Lawrence Oliver. If you have not seen the movie and still like the dentist - never see that movie!!

I am in awe of the power of movies and words in books. My toes look good too!

Favorite Food of the Day: The new do nut with toffee chippings
Favorite Song of The Day: I Gotta Feeling - by Black Eyed Peas

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Wednesday slowly provides advice

Today my stars say:

In some way or another, you may be asked to slow down today, Jayne.

Now this is too good to ignore! All those childhood days where teachers screamed "Get a move on!" All those races where I stumbled in red faced and horribly last. Where were my stars then, with their glorious advice of slow down?

And listen to my stars as they provide a warning:

Whether this comes in the form of a speeding ticket, or a scrape on the knee when you trip because you were walking too fast, know that this message is one that must be listened to.

I never walk too fast. I did a charity walk in 2007 and Grandmothers with walking frames overtook me. In fact I'm still trying to finish my charity walk of 2007.

The key for you now is not to get too emotional as a result of this slow-down. Know that it is for your own good; so don't whine about it, just do it.

I whine about many things. Anything to do with diets, for example, deserves a good whine.

The fact that I have swollen ankles during the summertime no matter what size I am, obviously fits into the whine category. I still have the previously discussed mosquito bite on my foot, and it is making wearing shoes tough, this fits into the good old fashioned feel sorry for myself whine.
Indeed I am an alcoholic for the "why me whine". This said in a squealing voice with a sulky expression.

Whine about slowing down - oh no! Now that, I can savor and enjoy. This is entitlement to crash in front of the TV, remote in hand, pizza in other, feet up and remain in slouch position for several hours.

My favorite time to "slow down" is when the Lifetime channel are doing their countdown to Christmas and they show thirty I believe in Santa movies in one day.

(I am not a fan of the countdown to Halloween days. Anything with masks and piano music that is just one note, and I'm up turning on all the lights and loudly pretending that I'm having a party.)

Now that my day is over, I will slow down. This is good horoscopical (made that word up) advice, and one that many should adhere to. Life is afterall, an eventual habit. It deserves us to take notice of it and not to force it into over ride or press the automatic button too often.

Stop and smell the roses. Slow down and taste the do nuts!

Favorite food of the Day: Cheeselets
Favorite Song of the Day: When Doves Cry by Prince

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sunday Roast

My stars on Sunday said:

You might be having trouble with your plumbing today, Jayne, particularly if you have a good-sized kitchen.

I just can't take the word plumbing seriously and I don't know why. It's like the word pudding! The reference to plumbing, kind of shocked me as I thought again that the stars were referring to my internal quirks, as previously discussed! I'm glad they added the part about the kitchen.

I like my kitchen. I do not know if it is a good sized one. My kitchen makes me want to do things like whisk, mix, broil and, well, open the stove door.

My Out Laws, are wonderful, well seasoned cooks. They have all the bowls and the knives and the focus to know when puffed is puffed and when a rib eye is not a tenderloin. They pull apart a lobster without flinching. Onions cry when my father in law greets them with his knife.

I once thought I might ask them to teach me a few recipes, but I don't know! Can you really teach a failed home economic girl stewing tricks? I grew up thinking that pineapple chunks came that way. I remember my brother confusing prunes with prawns. He was driven to tears seeing those black, shiny, bug like things staring at him when what he wanted was those pink things hanging from a glass of pink sauce stuff.

Not sure my desire for good old fish n chips would go down well in a kitchen known for Stuffed Rainbow Trout and Lamb braised in Red Wine.

My stars end with the greatest advice I have received all year:

In the meantime, have a pizza delivered while you're waiting to get your kitchen back!

Says it all!!

Favorite Food of the Day: Pepperoni Pizza
Favorite Song of the Day: Cat People by David Bowie

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Thursday - if Austen had a blog.

To my relief and delight my stars are back. Thank you!

So, today my stars say this:

This time of new beginnings is extremely important Jayne, and it would behoove you now to probe your depths and do a personal systems check to fix any internal quirks that might give you trouble in the future.

This reads straight from a medical journal written when Jane Austen wrote a blog. Behoove! Behoove? I had to read that thrice, me thinkest it is an olde word of ye wisdom from nay my brothers head of broiled wit and twixt...... you get the gist.

"Behoove Mr.Darcy please!"
Suggestion number two: "I must depart to get my horse behooved today."
Or "There are plenty of bees in the beehove Mrs.Bumble!"

What does behoove mean? I have never seen that word before. The fact that it appears in the same sentence as probe your depths frightens me. Will this hurt? Especially as it may fix my internal quirks - of which this week I have had many!

I am all for behooving it and probing it, as soon as I have worked out what it is, because I get the feeling that it is important. I do have a big irritating mosquito bite on my ankle, but that's not internal. Though I certainly hope it is for the mosquito! He must have been there for at least an afternoon munching away. Leave it to me to attract the ring leader of the over eaters anonymous for mosquito's.

By the way - you may want to read this part if you are following the story of The Foundation Garment of The Year. (If not, I behoove you!)

I know where I am going wrong, regarding The Foundation Garment of The Year. I actually believed in something that I bought that had Miracle in its title. It said it would make me look ten pounds lighter in ten seconds. Well it might have, but it took me twenty minutes to get it on. So I guess by the time it was maneuvered over the largest distance, it had lost its miracle.

You have to be quick where miracles are concerned and I should imagine some kind of pulley system may be of assistance.

So, I'm still on the hunt and the clock is ticking.

Behoove - (bi-HOOV) vi-hooved, -hooving. be necessary or fitting for.

Emmmmmm. Interesting.

Favorite Food of the Day: McDonalds Fries
Favorite Song of The Day: Keep It Comin' Love by KC and The Sunshine Band

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wednesday - is this a sign?

Today my stars say this:





That's right, nothing! I actually did not receive my daily stars today. How weird is that!
I checked my in box twice, my deleted box, my junk in the trunk, my out box, my favorites, my cookies, my everything and no stars.

Is this a sign? Am I being watched? Does anyone think I was being sarcastic, because I wasn't.
In fact I was inspired. So should a lack of their appearance tell me to stop? Kind of like waiting at the airport arrivals for your Spanish lover to come, when he said he would, and he doesn't! How many planes do you watch arrive before giving up and going home, solo and broken hearted.

Today was an odd day. Nothing awful, just kind of quirky. Maybe my stars knew and did not know what to say that would fit the experience of Wednesday.

I was at an office today that was newly renovated. Very cool with bright walls, lots of space (lack of work force maybe?) modern artwork and obviously very green in color and attitude. They had those cubes going on.

I have never worked in a cube. I wonder does it make you feel safe and secure? As I walked by I peered at some of the faces, the real ones, not the ones in the photographs pinned by their computer screens. I was reminded of those cats and dogs you see in windows that beg you to come inside and make them a pet.

This office lacked music and energy. Maybe the big boss was in and when they are out, the cubes whoosh up into the air and disco blasts along with the air conditioning and they hold Moonwalk competitions along the corridors.

Anyway, who am I to suggest what works. I got home to find a sock inside the cutlery drawer.
At least it was sitting with the spoons.

Favorite Food of the Day: Strawberry Pop Tart
Favorite Song of the Day: Us by Regina Spektor

Monday, August 17, 2009

Monday in Happy Non Motion

Today my stars say:

This may not be the most energetic of days for you, Jayne. You have been working exceptionally hard lately, and your body needs time to refuel.

I love that! Even my stars tell me that not only do I desire rest that I actually need rest.
They must have seen me lazing on the beach Saturday and Sunday, and thought, look how happy she is, content not to move.

Stars continue to point out:

Even though your body is slowed your mind is more active than ever.

That makes me laugh. There could never be a single time when my mind would be slower than my body because quite simply, my body does not move beyond s....l.....o....o...o....w.

I am reincarnated from a tortoise or a statue. I was the kid always picked last to be on any team. I think I am going to pass out if I get up too quickly. I emigrated to America just for the drive through!

There are joggers I see, who make running look attractive. I believe they are hired by sports shops and clubs. They are driven to the park in secret limos and dropped off, just as I pass in my car, still holding my coffee and secret do nut stash.

Everything they wear matches. Their IPOD wires stay connected and do not become entangled and lost in t shirt and hair. Their shorts and socks are the right length, and the plasters on their feet, if any, remain on their heels and do not escape and run up to flap around on the back of their knees.

Their hair, blond, swings in gentle motion - it does not fall and wallop them in their eyes.
They smile and as they pass you, they do the unmentionable, yes they actually speak.
I cannot walk up the stairs and say hi to my cat by the time I reach the top or bottom.

I do on occasion wonder what it is like to run and talk at the same time. The only words I imagine saying would be "help me!"

Favorite food of the day: Coffee Roll
Favorite Song of The Day: Hit Me with Your Best Shot by Pat Benetar


Friday night is frying night

Friday's stars continue along the same positive note with a focus on writing.

Any new project begun at this time Jayne, is likely to succeed, especially if writing, speaking, or other forms of entertainment or creative arts are involved. Don't bother worrying about the specter of possible failure.

I'm certain that there is a Virgo female wrestler out there with an ambition to throw her competitor across the ring. Her muscles are harder than my attempts of baking rock cakes and her knuckles are too thick to hold a pen. So I'm sure the idea of creative arts does not thrill her. For me though, I continue to feel excited.

Though, I admit, Friday evening does not find me sitting at my computer typing Chapter One.

It finds me out on the great mission of buying The Foundation Garment of The Year. Yes, it deserves capital letters as I award it with such importance.

With just one piece of fabric, my body will be turned into a slender, power of beauty, that only my dreams have allowed. This wonderful piece of magic will not only make my appearance look stunning, but it will be comfortable. It will be possible to get on without breaking my false nails and it will be able to be removed EASILY. Oh, and PS, I would like to be able to breathe, walk and eat while wearing it.
Oh and double PS - if once removed, it would be fabulous if my body had shrunk and been convinced not to bounce back to its original shape. Maybe I could be one of those weird sponge type animals that grow when you put them into water - I would of course be in reverse.

So, anyway, at a Thursday night meeting, I bring out my notebook and throw in onto the table. While rummaging in my bag for a pen, I look up to see everyone reading the bright yellow post it note stuck on the front of my book. "Higher Power- SPANX" it politely states.
I go red and pretend in my head that its' some spiritual thing I'm trying.

A colleague had recommended this 9th wonder of the world as the answer to slimming. With Spanx it would seem that I could still have the wedding cake and eat it. I mention this garment to the VIB (Very Important Bride) and she says how she needs one. A child's sock would be all that she needs, but its interesting to see that we all feel we need some extra higher power.

So, Friday night I'm off to find Spanx. I know, I know, this is a sign that I am of an age, when Friday night looking for Spanx does not mean what it could mean.

To cut a fat story thin - I am wandering through the department store wearing very comfortable shoes that look like slippers. These are my driving shoes, meant to be kept in the car. I forgot! Trying to ignore how geriatric I feel, I then find that I have my anxiety fit and can not get on the rollar-coaster that is the escalator going down. I then have to walk through the store and into the jaws of the mall in the bewildering hope of finding an elevator.

The mall on a Friday evening is full of really angry looking people called teen-agers. That's all I see. Many, many young faces with growls for expressions that match their iron work and tattoos. I realize that most of them are frustrated as they try to hold up their baggy pants - obviously in the mall desperately trying to find belts.

Eventually I'm back in the safe arms of the department store after sharing the elevator with three girls and a baby in a pram who I swear looked at me and said "ello, ello".

So now I am in the intimates looking for Spanx. Of course I cannot find them, but I do find things that I'm sure offer the same amount of torture, I mean support that I am looking for.

The store assistant/ambassador is thrilled. She tells me how she tried "Spinx, as she is not at her best at the present." The word best is whispered, though, obviously, it is not a secret.
"Spinx, that's not right," she says.
"Spanx?" I offer.
"That's it! I didn't like it, couldn't get on with it. Gave it to my sister. Someone said they liked this one" and she holds up the black armour I have chosen. "Cheaper as well. This should hold it all in," she sniffs.
I feel so sad and shuffle, embarrassed in my slippers.

She then tries to get me to sign up for a store card, while admitting she got into financial trouble with hers last year, but is getting it sorted now. She then hands over my bag of goodies, and produces a huge frying pan and walks off to "kitchens". She waves the pan in the air telling me to come back with a full report on my new underwear.

The frying pan looks alot like what I have just purchased - so if it doesn't work, I am inspired to fry pancakes on it.

Favorite Food of the Day: Swedish Fish
Favorite Song of the Day: Yellow by Coldplay

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Thursdays Twilight Zone

Today my stars say:

You feel no fear or doubt Jayne, as you progress toward your goals at a fast clip. Cruising along on calm seas under clear skies.

Please cue Twilight Zone music, as we refer to my blog yesterday where I talked about feeling like I was on a boat with another part of me left on an island.
I take it as a sign that getting back to writing is the way to go. Fantastic! Maybe I will at last find my inspiration and write a funny novel that means something.

Emmm. (I am looking around the room, wow, look at that cobweb.) Emmmm. So, what else can I write?

I am currently in a fashion dilemma over getting a dress for an important wedding. No, not mine, as I am already married and I do not live in Utah, so that would just be plain awkward.

I paid tribute to the old tradition of waiting until the last minute to go dress hunting, with the ever present hope that I would lose weight. There is believe me, weight to lose!

I am now deciding between two dresses and find it funny as I noticed tonight the official colors of both dresses. One is Espresso Chocolate Brown and the other is called Eggplant. Even my dress choices are edible! I am obsessed with food. I wonder if that's why I'm over weight?

I am extremely motivated to diet and know I could/should/would enjoy salad. However, I recognize that I only feel that level of commitment after a great day of snacking. Snacks are the best invention. If I owned a restaurant it would be called Snacks and would be run like an old fashioned school tuck shop.

Wouldn't it be cool to line up with your glass of wine and order your Ritz crackers with a slice of cheese, a packet of peanuts and some Rolos. People would/should/could pay for that.

Some days my secret drawer at work (we all have one) looks like it is sponsored by Willy Wonka. I bring my stash in, a little guiltily, like when you walk through the Nothing To Declare zone when you really do have something to declare. I hide my treasure beneath the post it notes, a packet of tissues and the stapler. Not that anyone has the least bit of interest in my snack drawer - wow that just does not sound right!

Anyway.

Favorite Food of the Day: Frosted Coffee Roll
Favorite song of the Day: Walking on the Sun by Smash Mouth

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Wednesdays surprise

Oh great excitement. My stars have been so dull recently that to read them today was like finding a twenty dollar bill in your pocket that you did not know was there.
(When that happens these days, I find I check to see that all my teeth are still there, in case I had a visit from the adult tooth fairy).

Today my stars say this:

The outlook for today is excellent, dear Jayne. All signs indicate that now is the best time to plan an adventure.

I do not know where to start. Well, I know I need to work today. I'm at my desk, so that's a good start.

I grew up with great dreams which turned into ambitions. I realize of late, that I have left those behind. I know I let this happen gradually and yet it feels like I suddenly decided to dump that side of me. Told it: "It's not you, it's me. I need distance. We have grown apart".

Now I see the old me standing on an island as I drift off on a boat. I'm saying: "What did I do? I don't understand. I can change!"

Maybe, it's time I revisited the old me and those dreams. Maybe my age, will allow me to have more fun with it, rather than being so serious and needy. Perhaps I will return that phone call from my old self and see what she says.

Favorite song of the day Seven by David Bowie

Have a great day!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tuesday - it begins

Like millions of others I decide after watching and enjoying the new Nora Ephron movie Julie and Julia – that I want to write a blog. (Great book and great movie by the way.)

I am not that good with computers, do not like the sound of the word blog yet still I need and want to do something. Infact, first attempt of doing this went wrong and the screen told me I had the wrong html. Whats that? Horribly typed manuscripted letters?

Second try, here goes.


And so, it begins….

Tuesday August 11th 2009

Today my stars say this:

It is ok to cry today, Jayne. Realize that the action of releasing is critical to the action of receiving. If you have no sense of fear and restriction, it may be hard for you to experience joy and expansion. Sew the seeds that will allow you to soar to great heights today, but make sure you are ready to accept the challenges that come along with your growth.

First, I know it is OK to cry. I have a new habit of doing it every day. It causes intrigue as every morning at about the same time, I arrive at the drive through coffee counter, with the same amount of mascara running down my cheeks and puffy red eyes that a gerbil featured on You Tube would be proud of.

In my head I have a back story that I am a nurse, no a doctor, who does all the all night shifts at a hospital. In this role I am successful and well respected. I deserve coffee and two jelly do nuts!

I have no problem with understanding fear and restriction. I can not go down escalators for example. What on earth is the expansion and joy about? The only expansion I see is on my waist and the only joy I see has Almond written in front of it.

Then it mentions accepting challenges in order to grow. Why do we need to survive problems in order to grow? Here is how I want to grow: I win the lottery and pack up my husband and cat called Max and off we go to Hawaii. Sit on a beach for days and days and decide how best to grow our money, not forgetting our charitable and spiritual growth of course.

Favorite song of the day: Heaven by Talking Heads

Favorite Food of the day: HoHos.

Here goes - I am going to push Publish Post.