Sunday, April 30, 2017

Bourdain - Parts Unkown

This is why they say - do not watch television at bedtime.
Anthony Bourdain.
Him and food - wow!
I was well on the way to sleeps town, feeling relaxed and kind of tired after completing paperwork and a bit of a laptop struggle. The laptop issue could place me in grumpy old lady mode, so I thought switch it off, relax and watch tv in bed.

Watching tv while in bed has always felt like a real luxury to me.
I remember as a teenager being allowed to have this tiny black and white
contraption in my room. I think the screen was about ten inches wide, actually
I think the aerial was larger than the whole thing itself. It had huge round dials
and of course no remote (they hadn't been invented yet!) I loved it and felt
so grown up as I could watch tv while crimping my hair.

Anyway, here he is, in my room, wearing a white linen shirt, jeans and that divine salt and pepper
hair. Ohhh I swoon and think too loudly "I could show you parts unknown."
AND on top of that - there's the food. Rich, gorgeous, thick and interesting food.
My thoughts are far too ex rated for a Sunday.
I catch myself licking my lips.
My thighs quiver, my stomach rumbles.
Now I understand why I enjoy hotels - as they have a tv and a fridge in the same room.
That's perfection.

I'm now wide awake and on my way to the kitchen.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Random thoughts from airport terminal

The departure of my plane is delayed due to weather. The rain is beating drums against the terminal windows while customers complain of their time being wasted.
Modern technology allows for most people to set up temporary offices and continue business with a flair and great determination. Everyone looks busy, and I wonder, are they really that busy? Or with the possibility of an audience and silent yet noisy judgements, people create emails, documents and conference calls just to set the appearance of hard work.

One man is seated in such a position that his trousers make him appear to have an erection.
One man keeps repeating over the phone " just bcc them, bcc them."
One lady has that nervous leg tapping - I can't stand that!
Another just said on a call "no we don't roll out until May 1st".  What does everyone do? They are so grown up.
I think most people here look so cool, sophisticated, intelligent.
Not many here just ate McDonalds quickly followed by an entire bag of M&Ms that were meant for the two day trip.
How on earth do people wear sneakers and still look good?
How do people produce those laptops, wires and rockets of communication with headphones from such small bags?
How does that lady maintain that great lip gloss color? That scarf looks amazing on her and  she knows it. She wears both with attitude.

Why do the men coming from that flight look so better looking than those going on this flight?
I tell myself to read my book. To shut my jibber brain off. Next time bring my laptop, look at all the writing I could be doing. Then I might look like I fit in. I might look important.
A plane has just pulled up to this window and it has taken all my effort not to stand up and call "the plane, the plane!"
I wonder - is everyone else  sitting here thinking these random thoughts as they also pretend to fit in?

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Absolute Beginners

A friend of mine recently used the term "Fake it till you Make it."
No need to fake.
It is OK that we are beginning. It is healthy that we are learning. The task of beginning something new is bold enough, adding a layer that is not genuine creates a distrust in yourself, that is not required.
Believe in what you want to do.
Soak in every resource available and dig up more.
Find people to support you, I call them your tribe.
Ask for support. Ask for help. Get your cheer leaders, get your theme song.

Some things we begin, we never expected to have to do, like illness, loss, sudden challenges, that dreadful phone call. We have to dive straight in, there is no time to sit and ponder.
Yet, when we choose to do something, boy can we stop the diving and walk up that ladder so gingerly that we are just hoping to hear someone shout "Get Off".

Find your motivation, that voice that will drown out the negative. That voice that will kiss a feeling of warmth in your knowing, inside your heart, where the inspiration shines from.

I have had many, many songs and continue to use them. The one that spoke to me when my David was first diagnosed with cancer and then Early On Set Alzheimers was Absolute Beginners by David Bowie.
OK, this is what we have, what on earth do we do with it? I had no idea, and we had no chance of being perfect at the beginning, but my goodness we did all we could to get it right, and that is all you can hope for.

AND please stop the personal judgement of "having to start again." I'm talking to myself here. In order to begin again is showing a clear indication that you are dancing the dance and have the energy to keep looking - and that's a strength. So embrace it.

Nobody starts at the top, absolutely nobody. We are all beginners and the joy is, that we get to start each day whenever our morning arrives. So no faking required, just believe and do absolutely everything you can. That is the difference.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Lent and Netflix

I know I am not the only one who gratefully welcomes that the term "to binge" is now connected to television. Not just food, alcohol and powdery things like donuts.
Since the days of black and white into Wizard of Oz color, humongous size tapes into thin discs that need no turning, into - joy of joys, miracle of walking on fiber optic cables - we bring you On Demand and Netflix.
Dear creator of Netflix, I love you. I stalk you, I adore you and I believe you turn water into wine, cookies into salad and sitting into jogging.

Today is the beginning of Lent, and traditionally one agrees to giving up on some gorgeous indulgence for forty nights. So, drum roll please, it will come as little surprise to pronounce myself to be giving up my current connection to my remote control and Netflix.

To be breaking bad of my transparent private practice of the affair I have. Make no bones about it, most of my friends, property brothers, girls and even a doctor who, does not realize how often i flip or flop my homeland way for twenty four hours through series upon Shonda series. If they gave awards I would win the crown and like a house of cards, the Americans would say it was shameless and a scandal for an idiot abroad to be having cupcake wars, when all she wanted was sex and the city with mad men, while wearing orange is the new black and dreaming of becoming the voice on Americas next top model.

So yes, it would make sense for me to give up on television, Netflix, on demand, anything that booms and begs to me from the electronic boxes in my home. I actually do hear voices that say why not watch season one just before season two begins, and that makes sense to me. I want to act upon that voice.

So here it is, the thing I give up on - My guilt. Give up on Netflix? Are you crazy?

Why shouldn't I be happy? I work hard in all manner of things. Keep turning pages to improve, to give, to learn, to be - and the one thing that continually trips me up, is my guilt.
And you know what? The constant, boring examination of myself not being good enough, is stopping me from doing anything. Is stopping me from doing everything.

A friend and I talked about changing the word guilty to giddy. I am giddy about something. I am feeling giddy about the chocolate I had. The phone call I didn't make. The money I just splurged.
I feel giddy - so with that exciting energy, what am I going to do next?

For forty nights I am going to let go of giddy, to see what change may occur.
I know we will lose weight, walk faster, speak Chinese and dance a tango if we give up sugar and replace it with something physical. What, however, could happen if we replace guilt with something fun, positive, whimsical and much, much lighter?
What happens if we look at giving, replacing, refilling, fulfilling, instead of taking away?
Let's look at happiness instead of denial or punishment.
Let's look at joy and fun instead of the duty of learning the lesson.

Season one is over.
What can season two tempt and tease us with?
Let's ignore rewind, pause and stop.
Let's hit play.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Show Me Who You Are

With great intention I am learning more about who I am and even more daring than that, I am beginning to show other people.

You know how Batman hides - well is he hiding the super hero or the real person?
We all are both, and I believe it takes courage to show both.

Here is ME:
I write, I sing in my car, I laugh, I dance, I love, I eat, I read and I laze. Boy, do I enjoy a good lazing session! I love walking slowly, I love snuggling, flying on planes, people watching and feeling the sun.
I also cry, I get scared, lonely, fearful, sad. Struggle with feelings of not being enough. Being too round, not clever enough and what on earth will happen in the future? What if I do not receive an email, what if I do? My goodness sometimes my inner critical thinking can shout louder than thunder can roar.

Who are YOU?

We consist of good, pleasant, fun, dark, moody, gloomy and very bright energies.
We are all of these things. So, show up for all of these things.
Be present and be there as your very best friend for yourself.
Know your tribe, find them. These are your cheerleaders, your friends who truly are family, your family who truly are your friends. The ones you see by your side - and there aren't many - so keep showing up for them. Keep showing up for yourself.

A beautiful kite is not flying alone.
I want to see ALL of who you are. So do you too.

Always with love,

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Valentines Hope

With the fullest heart
With wings out stretched
Her heart blossoming
Growing, giggling, longing
Only in the quiet could truth be heard
Only in the eyes, truth is seen.
From her single place at the table
A desire to be held, to rest together
One day she would have more.
For now, a hope.
Be still awhile
And glance at all around you
If there is plenty - rejoice
If there is space - reach.
Simply and joyfully be in love
Quietly and noisily be in love
My feathered arms embrace
All is at peace
All is with love.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Dear Google, Is this goodbye?

For a month now I have been warned that my domain registration cannot be renewed, because I have a new payment card.
For a month now I have been trying to figure out how to re new my information. I cannot get into my own account. How is that possible? (I am refraining from making Russian jokes here.)

In short I can't figure it out. I have read all the help topics, not that I can understand what they are really saying. I try with great patience, or in a sulky mood with a lack of patience, or with a large cup of tea, or glass of wine or a determined hour to finally solve it.
I can't!
Its not you - dear google, it's clearly me - but wow I wish you could help me.
Not even a simple help line?
When you're done, you're really done!

And I guess, my true message here - is - the computer age is fantastic, but could streamlining it be a good idea? Just to make users, who were not born with a computer chip as a play toy, feel they can embrace it and not give up? Through life experience, dear google, I know that being alone is not such a great solution - so a handy help button, that actually reaches another human being couldn't go amiss! Isn't that all we really need?

So, this could be the final blog post. Not that its been what I wanted it to be - however, it has helped me to write down my thoughts as I went on a journey that I had no idea I would walk. That has been more help that you know.
Some shared comments and ideas have warmed me, and I've been touched and happy when occasionally someone said - yes me too - or that's a great idea.

So, if it's all done. I give up my beloved I will try to re purchase it and perhaps that will be a fresh new start to accommodate a fresh new me.
And as I often say - Who knows?

Always with love